Members:  Cyrus, Kieran, Daniel, and Marissa
This group is responsible for Act 1, Scenes 4-5 and Act 4.

We are making an adaptation of Shakespeare and Fletcher’s “Two Noble Kinsmen” for the screen. We were particularly inspired by the narration and manner of dialogue in “The Big Lebowski”, so our adaptation of the script will take on that theme. This will probably make the play lean a little more towards the comedy side of tragicomedy. Here’s what we’ve done.

PROLOGUE
[Florish]

New movies are like good whiskey
You’ll end up with yer wallet just about emptied after indulgin’ in either one
And a half-decent movie – Like a half-decent whiskey –
Will keep ya comin’ back
We reckon this here film lives up to that expectation,
Cause there ain’t been a better writer than this since Hank Williams.
Now, this here play is just a big ol’ rip off of Chaucer
And if we make a damn mess of it
And get booed to hell
ol’ Chaucer might could turn over in his grave.
To tell ya the truth, I dunno what the Hell we done got ourselves into…
Ain’t none of us what you’d call Thespians
And I ain’t ever seen a play.
So while you’re watchin’, lend a hand or two
And don’t be shy about clappin’
Now ol’ Chaucer may have done a fancier job of it,
But we figured it was worth a shot.
Anyhow, that’s enough of my bullshittin’
Let’s get this show on the road.

ACT I, scene iv

This adaptation of the final two scenes of Act I of TNK is set in present day, Theseus is a Cuban drug lord named Thesus. He has currently finished his shootout alongside the three thugs against the drug dealer Creon, and two lesser dealers named Palamon and Arcite.

Thug 1-Don Thesus, we are in your debt

Thug 2-indeed, You’ve done us a great favor.

Thesus- God has blessed us today, now go. Take what is yours, you deserve that money my loyal henchman…. Who the hell are these muchachos?

Herald- Some cool looking guys, from the word on the street, they’re roommates.

Thesus- By Jesus, Maria, y Jose, they were guns a blazin. Like a couple of albatrosses fighting over a baby coyote. They were pretty good sharpshooters, I almost shit my pants when I saw them out there. What are their names again.

Herald- Arcite and Palamon

Thesus- Ya those two, how the hell aren’t they dead?

Herald- Well they aren’t really alive either, they were shot 24 times, and I reckon this is a particularly bad case of gettin shot 24 times, but they might could make it.

Thesus- Well there’s no use in letting them die. Think of the oppurtunites of holding them ransom. They’re both wearing nice clothes, we can make alot of money off their friends and family, vamonos!!!!

Act I scene V

Thug 3- Well, I guess this is where we part ways, it;s good to see that we have what is rightfully ours.

Thug 1- yes, this money is going straight into my savings fund for a new pool

Thug 2- well, knowing us, we’ll probably blow it on cocaine and italian food anyway.

Thug 3- this world’s a city of twisting streets and death is the run down pawn shop where they all meet………. now let’s get out of here before the cops come.

Act IV

Notes – Jailer and two friends are from New York – think Brooklyn/Bronx – and the Jailer is a henchman for Theseus. Hippolyta is spelled Hippolita because she’s Hispanic/Cuban. Pirithous is Piritose and Theseus is Thesús (both spanish pronunciation). The Wooer is a crossdressing prostitute – think of the transvestite in Rocky Horror Picture Show; talks in a feminine voice. The song the jailer’s daughter sings is actually “Just Dropped In” by Kenny Rogers, which is in the soundtrack for The Big Lebowski. The Doctor in scene III is vaguely based off of Dr. Leo Spaceman from 30 Rock; if you don’t know who that its, his parts in the show are definitely worth checking out on youtube.

Scene I

JAILER
You sure they didn’t mention me? If word gets around that I let that hippy dipshit get outta here, I’m done.
FRIEND 1
Not that I heard of. Coupla broads – Emilia and Hippolita – were head over heels about these guys, asking the boss to spare him. Piritose was in on it too. I didn’t hear your name, but you should be fine if you lay low for a little.
JAILER
Christ, I hope so…

Enter Second Friend

FRIEND 2
Hey! Jesus man, you’re not gonna believe this.
JAILER
What now?
FRIEND 2
Palamon cleared your name. Turns out your daughter let him out, and they’re going to Vegas to get married.
JAILER
I’m not sure what part of “your daughter’s getting hitched with a convict in Vegas” is supposed to be good news, but if it means I’m off the hook, I’ll take it.
FRIEND 2
They mentioned “new conditions” too. You know how the boss is all about that honor crap… well these are what you might call “honorable”, but they’re also what you might call “fucked up”. You’ll hear about it, anyways.

Enter Wooer

FRIEND 1
We’ll find out soon.
WOOER
So where’s your daughter these days, sugar?
JAILER
What’s it to you?
WOOER
So you have seen her then?
JAILER
This morning… what the hell’s this about?
WOOER
Did she look a little… off?
JAILER
Yeah, I guess she was. She had this innocent look on her face like she hadn’t seen a PG movie before, and kept talking like some little kid. But get to the point.
WOOER
Well isn’t that a shame. You might not be thrilled to hear what I’m about to tell you, but it will be gossip soon and you might as well hear it from me.
FRIEND 1
Well spill it, for Christ’s sake!
JAILER
We don’t have all damn day…
WOOER
Relax, cowboy. Your daughter has just caught up with a different crowd, that’s all. Maybe not the best one, but I guess we all… experiment here and there. (winks at Friend 2)
FRIEND 2
Either you tell us what the deal is or you get your ass outta here before my foot ends up in it.
WOOER (seems detached, sarcastic)
Tough crowd. Anyways, I was working my shift over by the pawn shop, and I heard your daughter singing nonsense – on some cocktail of drugs, probably. Seems like the hippy-looking ones she was with were all on it too, whatever it was. Anyways, she sang about this Palomon fellow quite a bit – sounds like he’s quite the hunk from what she said, but she might come off as a little… oh, I don’t know… clingy? She also mentioned something about you losing your head and being buried to “make the house handsome”, which is poetry for “I have daddy problems”
FRIEND
You’re kidding…
WOOER
Oh, and it gets juicier. She was so high that I had to pull her out of the way of a truck, and instead of a “thank you”, she just took off running downtown. I went after her, but four-inch heels tend to slow you down. If it weren’t for your brother turning up in the nick of time and grabbin’ that silly bitch, she’d be halfway to L.A. by now.

Enter Jailer’s brother, Jailer’s daughter and others

Speak of the devil.
DAUGHTER
(singing) I woke up this mornin’ with the sundown shinin’ in
Found my mind in a brown paper bag, but then… Dad!
JAILER
What the… snap out of it! Tell me where you’ve been and what happened.
DAUGHTER
I tripped on a cloud and fell-a eight miles high
I tore my mind on a jagged sky
I just dropped in to see what condition my condition was in…
JAILER
I’m giving you one more chance to tell me where the hell you’ve been…
DAUGHTER
Dad, don’t worry… This song is so good! And I didn’t take the car, it’s still right in the driveway. But I need it! Palamon is down the town, I need to find him! God he’s hot… he’s in a band.
(sings) I got so tight I couldn’t unwind,
I saw so much I broke my mind…
JAILER
Let’s get her to a doctor. (To daughter) Sure he sounds like a nice fella. Get in the car, we’ll go find him.
(All get in the car to go to hospital, new scene)

Scene II
(Emilia lies on her bed, looking at two pictures with a friend)

EMILIA
I mean, Arcite is hotter… look at him! It’s like, ridiculous. His dad is super rich too, so he probably has a lot of money. He just looks successful, like a real leader. And his hair is perfect! I always liked guys like that.
FRIEND
You mean douchebags?
EMILIA
Well I’m sorry you only get with random girly emo guys who cry for eight minutes after having sex for three, but you don’t have to get jealous and insult my tastes.
FRIEND
What I’m saying is you always knowingly date these unbelievable assholes and then wonder why they don’t treat you like a princess. You could broaden your horizons a little bit.
EMILIA (slightly sarcastic)
Well… I guess Palamon is okay, like in a weird way. Maybe he’s nice or mysterious or something… that’s good, right? Maybe the bags under his eyes are from staying up all night writing songs, and not watching porn until 3 a.m. Taylor Swift probably wrote a song about him.
FRIEND (exasperated)
Ugh… just consider it. Do you actually look at one picture of someone and extrapolate that much without thinking for a second “wait, maybe that’s wrong, and maybe a picture of someone’s face doesn’t actually tell me everything I could hope to know about them”?
EMILIA (confused)
Do you not?
(short pause)
FRIEND
Who the fuck raised you?
EMILIA
A drug lord. Why?
FRIEND
That was rhetorical. Just meet this guy, if he’s a jerkoff then he’s a jerkoff and you can forget about him. And if he beats Arcite in this little brawl that your fair and loving father organized, you’ll have to get to know him plenty well anyways.
EMILIA
(sighs, agrees grudgingly) Fine. We’ll see.

Enter Butler

BUTLER
Emilia, the two suitors have arrived, and their hired guns are with them.
EMILIA
Wait, are they actually going to fight to the death? I thought that was just some poor metaphor for getting rejected.
BUTLER
It appears so, Emilia.
EMILIA
Jesús… I thought this was going to be like The Bachelorette or something, not Spartacus.

Enter Thesús, Hippolita and Piritose

Thesùs, are you loco?
THESÚS
No! I can’t let both of these pendejos stick around. They’ve caused enough trouble, and if they went after you without my consent, they’d both be killed anyways. It’s not fair for anybody to have them both alive, because they would just be miserable as long as you’re around, especially when you can’t make up your mind about them. We can at least let the best man live.
EMILIA
So your idea of fairness is to let two friends kill eachother?
THESÚS
My idea of fairness is to let the best man have you, and the other not have to live in misery for the rest of his days.
EMILIA
Do you pull all this our of your culo, brother? You’re insane!
THESÙS
But you do love them, do you not?
EMILIA
I want to give them both a chance, not make them beat eachother to death for me.
HIPPOLITA
Sister, you can never decide on a man… and now look what you have done.
EMILIA
Wait, what? I had no say in any of this! How is it my fault?
PIRITOSO
It is such a shame that good men must die for one girl’s indecision.
HIPPOLITA
Truly! (whispers) Emilia, just play along. Thesús would kill me if I told him this was ridiculous. He’s out of his mind!
(Aloud, exaggerated) Go, weep for what you have brought upon these poor men. At least you will have the better of them in the end, as if you deserve him.
EMILIA
(Dumbstruck) I…

(Exeunt Hippolita, Thesús and Piritoso before she finishes.)

FRIEND
Nice family.

(Emilia glances at her spitefully as she storms out of the room, scene ends)

Scene III

Enter Jailer, Wooer, and Doctor

DOCTOR
What are her symptoms?
JAILER
She’s delusional, and she won’t eat anything. She keeps sputtering nonsense and singing this god awful song by Kenny Rogers –

DOCTOR
Kenny Rogers? “Just dropped in”?
JAILER
I … I guess so, yeah. Anyways, she also won’t stop –
DOCTOR
I love that song!
(sings) ‘Someone painted “April Fool” in big black letters on a “Dead End” sign
I had my foot on the gas as I left the road and blew out my mind’

(Daughter joins in)

DAUGHTER and DOCTOR
‘Eight miles outta Memphis and I got no spare
Eight miles straight up downtown somewhere
I just dropped in to – ‘

JAILER
Shut up, both of you! What the hell kind of doctor are you?
DOCTOR
Forgive me, sir. It’s a classic, I couldn’t help myself. What was the problem again?
JAILER
My daughter! She’s goddamn psycho!
DOCTOR
Ah! Of course. Well I can’t help her much, you’ll just have to wait until the drugs wear off. But I might suggest one thing…
JAILER
Christ… what?
DOCTOR
Some people become permanently delusional after taking these sorts of wacky drugs, and it seems like it may be the case with her. If she’s really as bummed out about this Palamon as she says she is, you could trick her into thinking someone else is Palamon and she might just believe it.
JAILER
But who the hell would do that?
WOOER
(casually) I would.
JAILER
Seriously?
WOOER
Absolutely. Believe me, I’ve done weirder shit. It’ll just be another day at the office.
JAILER
You can’t be serious.
WOOER
Honey, it’s my job. I’ll convince you I’m Al Roker if you’re into that, provided your money’s green.
DOCTOR
Ha! Well there we have it.
JAILER
(buries head in hands) Jesus, this is wrong. (Looks up at Wooer and Doctor, nodding) But I guess if it makes her happy, we’ll do it.

(Scene ends).