Imagine being in a room filled with people. In a room that is crowded with people and space is limited, why do you still feel alone or invisible? When you try to approach people, you awkwardly shuffle forward, extending your arm to tap them and ask how they are. They walk away. You feel defeat. Why is this happening? It is a result of your discomfort. Fearing that you will say something silly or embarrassing results in your becoming introverted and standing around uncomfortably. If you were, however, in a room filled with your friends you would feel overwhelmed by the feelings of ease and happiness of being with people who are easy to approach. Think about all those times during your adolescence in which you were hanging out with a group of kids who were not your close friends. You are all sitting in a circle, laughing. Everyone is talking without any hesitations, but you cannot seem to get a word in.  Inside you are screaming at yourself for suppressing your witty joke, but you are too scared to try.

When I think of friendship, the first thing that comes to mind is the ability to be myself. I can share my innermost thoughts without fearing judgment. I feel at ease. Personally, I believe the word comfort accurately explains this phenomenon. Comfort, however, is not usually associated with friendship. When hearing the word comfort, most people either think of furniture or the feeling of satisfaction that occurs from being with others. How we think about this word has the capability to alter. Just as the physical comfort people feel when sinking into their favorite soft chair or the sense of ease people have when being consoled by their friends, the sense of happiness and ease people have when among their closest friends is an equally important definition for comfort. What is friendship without feeling you can tell your friends everything, including your deepest secret and honest opinion about their decisions in addition to poking fun of them. It is nothing. Therefore, as a fundamental aspect of friendship, it is imperative that people understand what comfort in a friendship means.

In general, there are many forms of the word comfort. It takes form as both a noun and verb and is used as an adjective with the word comfortable. The word comfort originated between 1175 and 1225. As a verb, it comes from the Middle English comfortien, a variation of confortien, conforten, which derived from the Anglo-French, Old French conforter. The Old French came from the Late Latin confortare, to strengthen. (Dictionary) One definition for comfort as a noun is: “Pleasure, enjoyment, delight, gladness.” (Oxford English Dictionary, comfort, 3.) As a verb, however, comfort can be defined as “to minister delight or pleasure to; to gladden, cheer, please, entertain.” (Oxford English Dictionary, comfort, 5.) I found it also necessary to look up one of the definitions for comfortable: “Affording mental or spiritual delight or enjoyment; pleasant, enjoyable.” (Oxford English Dictionary, comfortable, 5.) In 1340, for example, Richard Rolle’s Prose Treatise used the word comfortable in the sentence: “Desederabill es thi name, lufabyll and comfortabyll.” (Oxford English Dictionary, comfortable, 5.)) A hundred and fifteen years later, there is a sentence in the bible that reads: “[I will] prayse thy name o Lorde, because it is so comfortable.” (Oxford English Dictionary, comfortable, 5.)In 1632, W. Lithgow wrote, “My Singular good friend…whose presence to me…was exceeding Comfortable.” (Oxford English Dictionary, comfortable, 5.) Lastly, in the first edition of his book, Observations on man, his frame, his duty, and his expectations, published in 1749, David Hartley wrote: “The Love of God, and the constant comfortable Sense of his Presence.” (Oxford English Dictionary, comfortable, 5.) From these examples, we see that overtime the meaning of comfort has changed to explain the feeling people have with others. I find W. Lithgow’s quote to be the most similar to how I define being comfortable in a friendship. Like most other definitions, he describes comfort as the feeling when with someone. He does, however, mention that this is a feeling he has with a good friend. In my personal definition of friendship, I think we can interpret W. Lithgow’s quote to mean that as a result of this person being his good friend, he felt comfortable with him.

Spending time with friends should result in people feeling a sense of satisfaction and contentment, both of which are synonyms for comfort. When I am with my friends, we can make silly jokes with one another and tell each other our secrets. In Laelius: On Friendship, for example, Laelius addresses the notion of comfort in his writings discussing friendship. In the book, Laelius states: “It is the most satisfying experience in the world to have someone you can speak to as freely as your own self about any and every subject on earth.” (Cicero: On Good Friendship, Page 188) From my own experience, I know that it is one of the best feelings to have friends with whom you can share everything. My best friends are the people who I can call in the middle of the night knowing they won’t be mad at me because it is so late. I know they will try to decipher what I say as I choke on my tears while waiting for a description of what happened. These are friends I know will not judge whatever happened to me. I go to these friends with any hesitations. In my mind, going to them is a default. Later in Laelius: On Friendship, Laelius further comments on friendship by contending: “When two men of sound character are friends they should unreservedly share all their concerns and aims with one another.” (Cicero: On Good Friendship, Page 207) Laelius is arguing that when two men are friends they should be comfortable with one another, and thus, tell one another everything. In high school, I realized that I felt uncomfortable whenever I was spending time with my large group of friends. I realized that I felt an unnatural sense of reserve when with these friends. This discomfort resulted in my becoming introverted and losing my silly, outgoing personality. This led me to realize that my being nervous to say something when I was with these girls meant they were not my true friends. I decided it was imperative to switch friend groups. I ultimately found a group of girls who I loved. After hanging out with them, I gradually became myself again. I no longer had to censor what I was saying or worry about if they were going to talk about me once I had left the room. I felt at ease when hanging with my new group of friends. Because I felt I could tell these girls my secrets and make jokes with them we became closer. While Laelius does not explicitly mention the word comfort in his quotes, he discusses qualities of friendships that should be defined as comfortable.

In daily life, people tend to associate comfort with either good feelings or making someone feel better. Common synonyms for comfort are contentment, satisfaction, calm, support, and assuage, further demonstrating the types of situations where comfort is used. People use the word comfort, for example, after something bad as happened. Person X might say to Person Y that Person Y should go comfort her friend after she received a bad test grade. Another situation in which the words comfort or comfortable are used is when something is pleasant, whether it be a situation or sitting on a piece of furniture. Living with your roommate can be labeled as comfortable because you feel at ease and content when in your room. We should not limit ourselves to these definitions of comfort.  I think we should consider the origins of the word comfort to indicate part of its definition. The late Latin confortarte means to strengthen. Comfort is a key variable in the equation of friendship. If we think about friendship as a video game and best friends are the highest level, comfort is the essential power up that allows you to reach the ultimate goal. Telling your friends your deepest secrets and having inside jokes allows you to become closer, strengthening your relationship.

In popular culture, there are a myriad of television shows that illustrate the importance of comfort in friendships. Specifically, Sex and the City exemplifies how friends can become closer as a result of comfort. Carrie, Miranda, Samantha, and Charlotte tell one another everything, from troubles in their relationships to disputes at work. They always tell one another about their most embarrassing moments, seeking the advice of the girls when one of them is down. No matter what, they always pick each other up after falling, reminding each other that there is light at the end of the tunnel. In the episode Running with Scissors, Carrie finally tells Miranda that she has been cheating on Aidan with Big. Carrie says to Miranda: “… and believe me I would rather tell anyone but you, but I have to…. Because I need your help.” Even though Carrie knows Miranda is going to disapprove of her affair, especially because Miranda dislikes Big, she feels that she needs the emotional support and help of one of her best friends. She also knows that Miranda is not judging her, but instead, wants to help her.

Comfort is a rudimentary part of friendship. It not only leads to friendships becoming stronger, but also results in friends gaining one another’s trust. Hanging out with friends should be simple and easy. People should feel that they can be themselves and say what is on their mind. Throughout my years of making friends, I have learned that comfort is the key to the puzzle, the cheat code to the difficult game, and the cherry on top of a delicious banana split. It makes a friendship enjoyable. With the friends that I am comfortable with, we can sit in silence, enjoying one another’s company. We do not need words to express the joy we feel with one another. Hanging out is easy. Laelius discusses the experience of friends telling each other everything. Carrie and Miranda’s conversation demonstrates that comfort brings friends close to one another and allows for friends to be vulnerable and seek advice. Thus, everyone should always look for friends who they feel comfortable with. Friendship is about being silly, having inside jokes, and caring about others. True friendships are those where friends know everything about each other and are willing to drop everything to be with their friend. Nothing is worse than feeling awkward and out of place.

 Works Cited:

“comfortable adj.”. OED Online. March 2013. Oxford University Press. 26 April 2013

“comfort, n.”. OED Online. March 2013. Oxford University Press. 26 April 2013

“comfort, v.”. OED Online. March 2013. Oxford University Press. 26 April 2013

Cicero, Marcus Tullius. On the Good life. Penguin Classics. 1971. Print.

Star, Darren. Sex and the City. Dir. Michael P. King. HBO. 1998-2004. Television.