“Dude, I am having the worst day of my entire life today! Jenny, my longtime best friend, ruthlessly friend-zoned me this morning because she wants to preserve our friendship. Is she insane or am I insane? Can you believe this madness?” My friend, clearly distraught, stopped me while I briskly strolled to English class and he piercingly decreed how miserable his life now became. As if his frightening frenzy did not make his despair obvious enough, he continued to blabber incessantly about how much he loathed friend-zoning. While he divulged his heart, which fumed with frustration at the time, I wondered why most people abhor friend-zoning even when it includes the word friend. Furthermore, the connotation associated with friend-zoning in modern society immensely intrigues me.
Friend-zoning refers to the action of placing a friend in a platonic relationship where one friend wishes to enter into a romantic relationship, but the other friend refrains from wishing the same. In simpler terms, friend-zoning refers to the action of putting a friend in a friendship in which two friends have unshared romantic interest. Once someone is friend-zoned, moving beyond that point in a relationship becomes increasingly challenging. Friend-zoning someone, in its verb form, means to deliberately—and brutally, depends on whom one asks—put someone in the state of friend-zone. Novelist C.S. Lewis bluntly asserts, “Eros (romantic love) seeks naked bodies while friendship seeks naked personalities.” (Lewis). The quintessence of friend-zoning includes one friend seeking naked bodies while another seeks naked personalities. Hence, an incompatibility between the two friends inevitably leads to feelings of failure and frustration. A mutually benevolent friendship is implausible between two friends when one friend has romantic desires for another, who does not share similar feelings or interests.
From the two parts of the word, in its noun form, friend-zone means an area open to friendliness or amicability. Let us scrutinize whether this hypothesis holds true with the definition of friend-zone used in everyday language. The Oxford English Dictionary (OED), the world’s most comprehensive single-language dictionary, finally included the word friend-zone to its collection last month, but it only added the noun form of the word and has yet to add the verb form. According to the OED, friend-zone “denotes a friendship between two people in which one person has an unreciprocated romantic or sexual interest in the other.” (C3). The editors of the OED meant to reflect the way we use friend-zone in everyday language: the solitary place where friends who love unrequitedly must dwell. This definition seems analogous to the colloquial connotation because whenever one speaks of friend-zoning, it involves a friend not reciprocating the romantic or sexual interest of another friend.
The prominent American sitcom Friends popularized the term friend-zoning in 1994. During an episode in the first season of the show, Rachel friend-zoned her best friend Ross, who felt enormous romantic attraction toward her. Their friend Joey declared Ross to have “been friend-zoned” by Rachel (Chan). Main concerns of the episode included questions of how one can avoid or escape friend-zoning, and whether it is even avoidable or escapable. In recent years, the term reached new heights of popularity in colloquial and slang vocabulary of the youth. Urban Dictionary, a Web-based dictionary of slang words and phrases, featured friend-zone as the Urban Word of the Day on October 18, 2011. This symbolizes the significance of the term as well as the idea of friend-zoning in contemporary societies.
Although the term friend-zone is modern, the phenomenon is ancient. A plethora of historical and literary examples highlight the friend-zone. Cases of Quasimodo and Esmeralda from Victor Hugo’s The Hunchback of Notre Dame, or Eponine and Marius from Hugo’s masterpiece Les Miserables both serve as evidences of friend-zoning. In our current societies, countless examples from pop culture accentuate ideas of friend-zoning and enforce associated implications. Characters such as Andy Bernard from The Officeand Ross Geller from Friends all experience friend-zoning. Additionally, an entire reality TV show, Friendzone on MTV, centers its content on the idea of friend-zoning. Friendzonefollows people who have romantic feelings for their best friends; the creator based the show on her personal experiences.
Copious explanations attempt to describe causes of friend-zoning, and the reasons range from insufficient attraction to fear of intimacy. A Chicago Tribune writer suggested that reasons for friends to friend-zone other friends include: friends not sufficiently attracting another friend, friends misinterpreting nonverbal cues from another friend signaling to deepen the relationship, and having enough sexual repulsion between two friends to avoid intimacy, but not enough to block a friendship. (B.) Another possible reason one does not see friends as potential love interests is that he or she fears that expanding or deepening the relationship has the potential to diminish the values of friendship. If a romantic relationship somehow does not work as well as expected, couples hesitate about reverting back to their friendships as they feel the essence of the friendship is ruined because of the futile romance.
The phenomenon of friend-zoning is not exclusive to one gender or sexuality. Both males and females experience friend-zoning in heterosexual as well as homosexual relationships. In the well-known American sitcom Community, Jeff Winger friend-zones Annie Edison, his friend who ineffectively attempts to pursue him passionately. Throughout the first two seasons of Community, Annie shows romantic interests in three different male characters, who all friend-zone her (Masters). Friend-zoning, evidently, does not depend on the gender or sexuality of friends; anyone can undergo the experience in a multitude of relationships.
Friend-zoning resonates with the idea of rejection to some because a friend does not succeed in his or her romantic endeavors and his or her interest in the friend is not reciprocated. Friend-zoning, however, is more desirable than harsh rejections because a flicker of hope still exists as long as the pair continues to be friends. Once someone is friend-zoned, however, moving toward romance becomes a grueling and arduous task. Dating expert Dr. Benzer asserts, “A platonic relationship has formed without sex and can continue indefinitely. Once you’re in the friend-zone with a woman, the chances of you romantically connecting with her diminish dramatically” (Benzer). Finding oneself trapped in an undefined friendship because of friend-zoning—ironic that we use the word “trapped” to denote a friendship—is usually intensely frustrating as one friend desires a more intimate relationship, but the other friend does not. These frustrations of friends who are romantically interested in their friends inherently lead to the negative and adverse reputation of friend-zoning. We rarely recognize that friend-zoning has the potential to prevent friendships from becoming awkward or destructive because romantic relationships often ruin the understanding and familiarity that are present in friendships.
To resolve the irony of the disdain associated with friend-zoning, one must investigate friendship and its ties to personal identity. Most people detest friend-zoning because of its affiliation with reminders of their failure in pursuing their romantic interests. Friend-zoninginevitably yet unfortunately undermines their self-worth and leaves an indelible bruise in their confidence. Although the connotation of the word friend-zoning is negative in contemporary society, the implication of the word, and any other words, depends immensely on the experiences and personalities of the subject. To hopeless and disappointed romantics, for example, the word friend-zoning feels like a pang piercing through their hearts. To someone who refuses a friend’s love, the same word raises little to no distress or concern as he or she does not put much significance on the romantic attitudes. Our experiences in life inherently shape how we use languages, rhetoric, and ideas as well as how we define words.
Works Cited
B., Gina. “What’s so Bad about the Friend Zone?” Chicago Tribune. Chicago Tribune News, 12 Jan. 2007. Web. 07 Feb. 2013.
Benzer, Dr. Alex. “How Rich Guys Screw Up Their Chances with Women.” The Huffington Post. 02 Apr. 2009. Web. 07 Feb. 2013.
Chan, Casey. “The Science of Being in the Friend Zone.” Gizmodo. 10 Jan. 2013. Web. 06 Feb. 2013.
“friend, n. and adj. C3”. OED Online. March 2013. Oxford University Press. 3 April 2013.
Lewis, C.S. “C.S. Lewis Quotes.” Think Exist. Web. 25 Apr. 2013.
Masters, Megan. “Community Scoop: Jeff and Annie’s Romance Gets ‘Pumped Up’ In Season 3.” TVLine. 2 Sept. 2011. Web. 23 Apr. 2013.
